After having these up and down emotions, I finally decide to give up, it's better to let it be an unverified truth than a fact that both of us would feel uncomfortable.
First, I feel so tired to let myself guessing, and keep myself deny the logical thinking, to be serious, it really becoming a trouble for me to keep myself out of logic when I tried to make myself focus on my study.
Second, this is another time of me, in record, giving up before thing gets start, which I could say I am being a coward again. Alright, just laugh at me, and shame on me, I don't care!
Third, the feeling is unclear, which I was trying to get myself clear about it, but end up the timings are always wrong! Bad, and yes, I am trying to blame the timing!
Fourth, I realised I am already in trouble for my honours essay, which actually ruin everything later on, of course, I didn't blame anyone but myself. It is my immature which caused this, and I would really like work hard and get myself back in form for my study!
Fifth, this will be another sad story, but as usual, it only involve myself and me!
In conclusion, I don't have the mood anymore! I give up, and that's it! White flag! I surrender! and these are all my problems.