Saturday, May 10, 2008

怪自己的眼光 I can only blame myself....

不知道为什么,每次心仪的对象,都会是一些不肖华语的女生。或许是从小到大自己的语言能力非常弱的关系,所以对着以往那些心仪的女生,都有着一种“崇拜”、“羡慕”的情绪,然后不自主,暗暗地喜欢上她们。这样的情况,自小学之后就一直持续地发生。也可能是因为心里厚厚的自卑,极过度现实猜测的个性,也就是总称为“悲观主义”的自己,所以到了这个年纪也只是一个人。
不过,我从来也没有怪过任何人,只是在怪自己,怪自己懦弱的个性,怪自己那“对着自己心仪对象就会错乱”的失败。虽然,我已经三番四次地尝试抑压自己这种坏习惯,但可惜的是,能让我压抑的机会并不多。
我生长在一个很普通的家庭,过着的是旁边人会羡慕的生活。不过,家里的人却是保守却利害的。我在家中排行第二,而家中所有比我年长的人说的话,是我永远都反驳不了的。在我心里,我一直认为他们眼中所看见的,是我不曾看过的世界。每次当我尝试要去批评他们说过的话时,我都会输得一败涂地。所以,到了今事今日,我每次都不会认为自己想法是对的,因为往往当我认为自己所确定的事是的对的时候,很多时候结果都证明我是错的。哥哥时常都说我单纯,而我自觉自己是很单纯,因为我从来就没有把自己存在的世界复杂化过。
每一次,当我用着对某个人的思念而写成故事的时候,我都不会奢望某人会去看,因为她们都是不肖华语的人,正如我现在写下我这些心声的时候,我也不会期望自己心仪的对象会耐着性子的读下去。不过,都已经过了这么久了,而用思念所写的故事已经写得太多了,所以我也不会去理会到底我要传达给思念的对象到底有没有读过了,我只是要发泄一下心里的思念就足够了。
今天是我阳历21岁生日,不过我的家人这么多年以来都是庆祝农历生日的,所以基本上这一天对我来说,是一个很矛盾的日子。虽然明明知道阳历明明是比农历来得准确,却不知道为何不想失去农历的味道,可能是因为自己很喜欢祖先们留下来的农历计算法吧。
也不知道从什么时候开始,我写的文章开始变得很不顺畅,可能是因为我真的不能像以前一样,一心一意地想着写文章的心态吧。也曾试过强逼自己回到像从前一样,但是却没有成功过。正如现在我写的故事也一样。也可能是因为这里的天气不一样的关系吧,所以已经不想写故事了………
I can only blame myself.....eversince primary school, the girls I ever loved were all who don't like chinese wording. no matter how many stories I have wrote about how much I'm missing them, they will never have a chance to read them, if have so, they won't have the patient to finish reading those stupid story.
today is my 21st birthday, but birthday is not really meaningful day for me since I came to Sydney. still remember the 1st birthday at Sydney was a Statistic test day, and that was the worse math test I ever have, and today is my 2nd birthday at Sydney, and thankyou for my friends, I have a very memorable birthday, I have my birthday cake and my birthday songs, which I have really forget for a very long long time.....
I seldom write things in english, but when I reliase that all the girls I loved were all don't like to read chinese wording, so I have throw away all my thoughts and insistant which I have hold for so many years. I will be writing blog with 2 languagues from now on~~~
anyway, happy birthday to me!!!! hope I will soon be growed up!!!

4 comments:

♥ ElaiNe Seng said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Casey said...

Hey baby, you are not alone!

Chicken said...

Laoban, you write chinese one whole block. English only little bit. Doesn't add up hor.

You got time to blog no time to continue the story. You bagero. Lol.

I add your blog to my links in my blog ok boh?

Comic said...

To Casey:
Thankyou baby!!

To: Chicken
haih, that's the starting, my english not good enough, give me sometime lah....